Something occurred to me this morning at 5:30am: now that I’m feeling a little better the lack of urgency has me feeling very uncomfortable. Isn’t there something I should be doing? Going out and getting? A fire to put out? I have all these new ideas and thinkings and no grasping (although my brain is really trying to). No GO GO GO and this is NOT easy and I believe is fueling some of my confusion. What am I “supposed to” be doing? Turns out nothing, or so it seems. 

Everything I created over the past month (which was done with no sense of urgency by the way) is now swirling around me… the posters, the colors, the words, the emotions (those are mostly swirling inside), the ideas, the becoming. Instead of trying to grab one or four, I’m just waiting for one to fall to me, to receive what would come next. My brain is really having a hard time with that and doesn’t know how to process it. It’s a very strange place to be when you’re used to grasping in desperation. The desperation of what I’m not sure of but I am sure my amygdala has something to do with it lol. 

I don’t mean I’m being passive either or not doing anything but what I am doing seems to have to marinate - which I’m not sure how to allow without taking action, which causes some panic -  and I have to trust. Someone once asked me, many years ago now, “What did you do when you had a bad game?” I had a long pause, which made him realize I didn’t have many bad games so he then asked, “Why do you think you didn’t have many bad games?” My answer was this: “Well, I trusted myself, I trusted the game, and I trusted the field.” I mean from the core of my being I trusted. Is this time in my life really any different than that? It’s just a different game, which I mean with the highest regard. 

All of this go, go, go society or our families have taught us is “just the way it is,” is bullshit really, isn’t it? We have been indoctrinated to keep pushing, keep moving, go bigger, etc. Why? Does anyone really pause and ask why? Because it’s exhausting and we can’t reap the rewards nor celebrate any accomplishments because we are already on the next thing! Oy! That makes no sense. There is a sacredness of it all to be honored and we often don’t see it or realize it. Celebration is a sacred act we rarely participate in - especially celebrating ourselves. Anyway, I digress a little. My morning reflections on the sense of urgency or lack thereof I’m dealing with led to this.

I’ve got all these posters with all of this brainstorming in words and colors and now they feel like they are swirling all around me. Like I can see them as they fly by and I’m close to discovery BUT reaching out and trying to grab one is not working. They are elusive and sometimes it feels like taunting. It’s like I have to wait for it to fall out of the sky (or my unconscious) and if I can get to a point of receiving (seemingly what I already know on some level), then each will rain down as it should in the right order and with the right intensity. No sense of urgency or grasping, just ignition and energy. Energizing instead of constricting… Inspiring instead of drudgery… breathing instead of gasping. This is a tall order for people like me that are used to taking action all the time or who find themselves putting out fires for others and their urgencies. 

The urgency becomes the fuel but not in the way that a car travels, but more in the way there’s a bonfire in the middle of the kitchen and no way to put it out. It wreaks havoc and strangely enough, can burn you from the inside out even though you think it’s outside of you. It’s not. We often want it to be, but it’s not. And it will burn you out faster than you think without even realizing it. 

In grad school, I wrote an extensive paper about athletes and performance anxiety. There is a need for some anxiety to alert the body and mind that it’s time to concentrate, perform, and increase focus; but the threshold is delicate in that just a little too much and one can go into flight or freeze mode and this obviously affects their performance negatively. Just enough though, gets them in flow. I had forgotten about this paper until I listened to the chapter on Bewilderment yesterday (thank you, Jeffrey Davis and your book Tracking Wonder). There’s some clicking happening.

This led me to remember when I played. I used to say the only pressure that exists is the pressure you put on yourself, it’s true here too. I believe I rarely had bad days because I also believed this wholeheartedly. What was there to worry about? Like I stated earlier, I had confidence in and trusted myself, the game, and the field. This has shown up over and over again in times of confusion and strife in my life. Why is what I am going through now any different? Is it different? I don’t think so. 
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• Trust and confidence in my abilities, gifts, words, ideas, feelings, emotions, etc. 
• Trust in the game that is sacredness, teaching, and plant medicine (and anything else I am called to teach).
• Trust in the field of energies, plant medicine, and that there are people that want to know about sacredness and how to guide and hold space for all of it.
• Trust in the field of collaboration and others, my teammates and packmates 

All this said, patience is also a key factor for me. It comes with trusting the open and receiving and that all will come when the time is best for each. No urgency. No destructive fires, only ignition. 

Curious about exploring Family/Systemic Constellations and what makes a good facilitator? Michaelene had the honor of being interviewed for classes offered by REAL (Resources for Embodied and Ancestral Learning) Academy in South Africa.

She is one of the facilitators from all over the world, to be a part of the Resources for Beginner & Intermediate Facilitators. Michaelene's teachings on anxiety & depression, fertility, and addiction are in part 3 of the offerings coming soon.

​If you'd like more information, please select the button below. It is a great way to learn more about Constellations from esteemed colleagues and experienced facilitators. 

    Much of the time we feel isolated and alone in our traumatic experiences, we feel shame, terrified, lost, confused, unsafe, and misunderstood. We feel as if no one could possibly help, support, or understand us and our experiences or that people just don’t care. We feel shame for what we went through and how we feel. We aren’t able to see and/or trust that there is any compassion in the world, any kindness, or any connection — not even within ourselves. Nothing is sacred and everything is scary. It is scary to be in the world, it is scary to be us. And the truth is, finding that safe and sacred space to bring us safety, comfort, healing, and peace seems overwhelmingly unattainable.  
    It is interesting to me, that people in our world (family, friends, therapists, the media, etc.) feel they have the right to define what our traumas have been — “Was it a big “t” or little “t,” I’ve heard asked. “Oh, that’s not real trauma,” I’ve heard, adding fuel to the fire of the original trauma. The fact is, YOU are the only one who gets to define your experiences. YOU are the only one who knows what you felt and feel in the way of your traumatic experience and at any other time in your life. Only YOU. 
    For many years I fought with these judgments and criticisms — and quite a few came from myself. I would compare my traumas to others and lessen its value and impact to say, “Well, it could have been worse I suppose,” or “someone has it worse than me.” This was not helpful in the least but I was terrified to be exposed again. I was terrified for people to see me as broken and unfixable. I was terrified for people to see me at all. Even now, as I write this I am scared but I have seen and experienced the sacred pieces of mine and others’ traumas too, the pieces that no one can take away from you (even though it feels as if they were stolen), the pieces that can be nurtured and honored through the sacred actions of reclamation, empowerment, support, connection, love, and healing through Healing through Connecting Constellations (Family & Systemic Constellations). All of which occur within our own sacred beings and eventually again with others. To me, this makes our traumatic experiences sacred [and nothing to be ashamed of].

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I have been processing so many things these last few days. Trying, like everyone else, to make sense of so many things: my roller coaster emotions, the best and worst of humanity that can come from a crisis, fear and survival instincts, a little scare from a loved one, friends that are experiencing the virus first hand in their families, the anxiety of the unknown, the lack of leadership from our national government and the actual leadership of some governors, and... . 

Worries
I have many worries up for me. There is the worry of someone I know getting ill. The worry of bills and how they will be paid. The worry that my clients are ok. The worry that my parents won't stay inside. The worry of a really big healing gathering won't come to fruition months from now. The worry of people worrying and panicking. I feel it all. The enormity of it all....

Anger
And my worry turns to anger. Big anger. Anger for being whooped up by all the whooping happening in the world. Anger that people aren't listening. Anger that people are still being political and think we have to choose sides. Can't we just come together and stop all the blame?!

I'm angry that people are humanizing this virus to be some kind of enemy. I get it being a fight/resiliency thing but it doesn't have a brain. It isn't out to get us. It just is. And yes, it's terrible and scary because we can't see it but it doesn't have motive. It doesn't have a hidden agenda like so many humans do. It's not even "alive" until it finds a host. And I'm angry at the Universe/God/Goddess/whomever is in charge "up there." 

Reboot
Yet, part of me (a big part of me) understands that this is probably what had to happen to get us to slow down. To see how we've destroyed our planet. To see how we need a reboot. To see humanity again and where we are in it. To see what happened to our foundations of connection to each other, to Mother Nature, to ourselves, to Spirit/God/Goddess/etc. To see what we've done by choice. Yes choice. 

Choice
We've chosen to be divided. We've chosen to, at times, stand by and do nothing. We've chosen to worship the almighty dollar over humanity, over people. We've chosen to overlook the homeless and those in need. We've chosen to be disconnected and yet long for it but not willing to admit it. Our devices and modern technology helped us to choose. Children don't know how to navigate relationships. Hell, a lot of grown ups don't know how to connect. 

Where has our depth gone? Where has our compassion gone? Where has our honor and integrity gone? Where? 

This virus has shown us all of it and more. And we still have choices. Will you choose compassion or apathy? Will you choose division or connection? Will you choose blame or responsibility? Will you choose fear or courage? 

What will you choose?

Healing through Connecting™ is not just a theory… it is a fact, it is proven, it is seen and felt by many. I lived for so many years without true connection - except for the connection I had with my maternal grandfather. I am still connected with him to this day, even after his passing several years ago. I didn’t learn how to connect, really connect with anyone, including myself, until I was in my late thirties and even then I was still leery. It wasn’t until Systemic Constellations found its way into my life that I truly learned to connect. 

True connection takes authenticity, genuineness, vulnerability, non-judgment, compassion, love and more. I could go on and on with this list. One of the reasons it took me so long to learn to truly connect? I was viscerally afraid that once connected they would leave. It was too much for me to lose so I just decided not to even try. I (thought) was keeping myself safe and yet, I was missing out on so much. I don’t regret the years of disconnection, but I certainly learned from them. 

The other thing disconnection does, is separate. We can see in our world today how much separation there is just because people have been indoctrinated or trained that “the other” is scary. Often because of the color of their skin, their cultures are different, religions beliefs, or really… just being different than what you or society wants to believe is the “norm.”

Being different...

We all have choices, right? And our choices to live authentically and be in our Truth often makes us “different.” I’ve come to the realization that my own choice to be authentic, true to who I am at the core, takes an extreme amount of vulnerability which in turn takes great courage. It is one of the reasons it has taken me to begin to write this book. Another reason is, where to begin? And yet another is, well people will SEE me. See me for who I am at my core. See me for the “different’ that I am. Criticize my “me-ness.”

We often hear, “Hurt people, hurt people.”  Why don’t we see the hurt in others and connect? Lack of empathy? Lack of compassion? Fear? Self-centeredness?

In a few hours, I am going to facilitate a constellation workshop that is, in all ways, about connecting. During this workshop, we connect with each other, we connect with our ancestors, we connect with ourselves, and we connect with something greater, the collective and the highest and greatest good for all. We reconnect with family members in a safe and sacred way - they don’t even have to be present. We connect to the energies of all this, the sacred energies - good, bad, or indifferent. We connect to healing. We connect sometimes to let go, in a way. To heal. We connect to heal on many levels and... We connect to GROW LOVE.

Doing this work gives the gift of compassion and sight for what is. It allows one to lift the confusion, protection, judgment, and resentment. In doing so, we then see the big picture of one’s life. We get the ability to become compassionate of other’s challenges and issues. It allows us to go to deeper levels of healing.  

In my private practice, I have been privileged to facilitate this work with clients. The healing experienced, the depth of awareness, and the realizations of all involved in the process have been powerful. This is my life's work. ​