Much of the time we feel isolated and alone in our traumatic experiences, we feel shame, terrified, lost, confused, unsafe, and misunderstood. We feel as if no one could possibly help, support, or understand us and our experiences or that people just don’t care. We feel shame for what we went through and how we feel. We aren’t able to see and/or trust that there is any compassion in the world, any kindness, or any connection — not even within ourselves. Nothing is sacred and everything is scary. It is scary to be in the world, it is scary to be us. And the truth is, finding that safe and sacred space to bring us safety, comfort, healing, and peace seems overwhelmingly unattainable.
It is interesting to me, that people in our world (family, friends, therapists, the media, etc.) feel they have the right to define what our traumas have been — “Was it a big “t” or little “t,” I’ve heard asked. “Oh, that’s not real trauma,” I’ve heard, adding fuel to the fire of the original trauma. The fact is, YOU are the only one who gets to define your experiences. YOU are the only one who knows what you felt and feel in the way of your traumatic experience and at any other time in your life. Only YOU.
For many years I fought with these judgments and criticisms — and quite a few came from myself. I would compare my traumas to others and lessen its value and impact to say, “Well, it could have been worse I suppose,” or “someone has it worse than me.” This was not helpful in the least but I was terrified to be exposed again. I was terrified for people to see me as broken and unfixable. I was terrified for people to see me at all. Even now, as I write this I am scared but I have seen and experienced the sacred pieces of mine and others’ traumas too, the pieces that no one can take away from you (even though it feels as if they were stolen), the pieces that can be nurtured and honored through the sacred actions of reclamation, empowerment, support, connection, love, and healing through Healing through Connecting Constellations (Family & Systemic Constellations). All of which occur within our own sacred beings and eventually again with others. To me, this makes our traumatic experiences sacred [and nothing to be ashamed of].
I have been processing so many things these last few days. Trying, like everyone else, to make sense of so many things: my roller coaster emotions, the best and worst of humanity that can come from a crisis, fear and survival instincts, a little scare from a loved one, friends that are experiencing the virus first hand in their families, the anxiety of the unknown, the lack of leadership from our national government and the actual leadership of some governors, and... .
I have many worries up for me. There is the worry of someone I know getting ill. The worry of bills and how they will be paid. The worry that my clients are ok. The worry that my parents won't stay inside. The worry of a really big healing gathering won't come to fruition months from now. The worry of people worrying and panicking. I feel it all. The enormity of it all....
And my worry turns to anger. Big anger. Anger for being whooped up by all the whooping happening in the world. Anger that people aren't listening. Anger that people are still being political and think we have to choose sides. Can't we just come together and stop all the blame?!
I'm angry that people are humanizing this virus to be some kind of enemy. I get it being a fight/resiliency thing but it doesn't have a brain. It isn't out to get us. It just is. And yes, it's terrible and scary because we can't see it but it doesn't have motive. It doesn't have a hidden agenda like so many humans do. It's not even "alive" until it finds a host. And I'm angry at the Universe/God/Goddess/whomever is in charge "up there."
Yet, part of me (a big part of me) understands that this is probably what had to happen to get us to slow down. To see how we've destroyed our planet. To see how we need a reboot. To see humanity again and where we are in it. To see what happened to our foundations of connection to each other, to Mother Nature, to ourselves, to Spirit/God/Goddess/etc. To see what we've done by choice. Yes choice.
We've chosen to be divided. We've chosen to, at times, stand by and do nothing. We've chosen to worship the almighty dollar over humanity, over people. We've chosen to overlook the homeless and those in need. We've chosen to be disconnected and yet long for it but not willing to admit it. Our devices and modern technology helped us to choose. Children don't know how to navigate relationships. Hell, a lot of grown ups don't know how to connect.
Where has our depth gone? Where has our compassion gone? Where has our honor and integrity gone? Where?
This virus has shown us all of it and more. And we still have choices. Will you choose compassion or apathy? Will you choose division or connection? Will you choose blame or responsibility? Will you choose fear or courage?
What will you choose?